Damn. It's been a while since I've made one of these, huh?

Well. I guess I've finally hit my 24s today. And I don't really know how to feel about it.

There's a lot to think and reflect upon, and a lot has changed, and I've gained just as much as I've lost, and looking back onto how things used to be, it's kinda wild to see how far I've come, specially considering I've never planned to make past my 20's.

So where to even begin?

I guess from where I started is a good point.

My late 10's (18 to 19 years) and the first half of my early 20's were the years I solely dedicated to destroying my life.

With everyone I liked gone, specially with a grim future looming over my head, I thought that life itself was giving me a sign that "This was it.". Everything was hectic and confusing, and I had no one to look up to, and I specially had no idea what to do. And with everyone demonizing me, at one point, I started believing I was actually irredemable, and so, in my fucked up head, I thought; "If I can't be good, I sure as hell can be the worst.", and so, I did just that.

The way I acted from my 18's until my 23's was actually awful. I used to live solely to make everyone and myself miserable. I was offensive for no other reason than just being edgy and getting a rise out of other people. I was inconsiderate with everyone and myself, and I held some incredibly nasty ideas of how I should go on about life and treat others. These views and attitudes stopped me from ever being friends with a ton of cool people I still like to this day, because every interaction they had with me, was me acting like a complete piece of shit to everyone. And even nowadays, some people still refuse to talk to me because of that, justifiably so. Even if I changed, it doesn't really erase the past. But I still regret a lot of these things often.

I was also incredibly pretentious, and despite never really making anything past mediocre, I still felt like my views of art were "superior" to everyone else's, and people doing their own thing in their own way that wasn't my own or something I didn't personally approve, in my head, was a justification for going after them and being nasty towards them, disguising my pettiness and pretentiousness as "constructive criticism" because I was too much of a little bitch and I was afraid of being called out by anyone, so I'd rather pull a "power move" instead of just growing some balls.

After talking and meeting some people, some good, some bad, my views and the way I acted started to shift massively.

I befriended a lot of people around mid 2023, and some of them told me that despite how much they liked me, they also couldn't deny that some of the things I used to do and say used to hurt them a lot, and they still believed that I "could do better", even if everything pointed otherwise. These things made me think a lot, because I also thought they were cool, and at one point we even became friends, but there was clear resentment because I'd rather spend my time crying how my life was ruined and making it everyone else's problem, instead of actually sorting the problem, specially when I could pinpoint exactly what it was. I also ended up meeting a lot of people that held the same attitude and beliefs I had around that time, and meeting them in person was actually eye-opening. Because for the first time, I actually got to experience first hand how it was to be at the end of my own thinly-veiled anger and dissatisfaction that I so desperately tried to disguise as "valid criticism", and seeing myself in these people, it genuinely made me stop for a second and go; "Holy shit... Am I really that whiny? Am I really that pretentious? Is this why people don't like me?", and it made me actually take a step back, and realize that I needed to change, badly.

So after all of that, I went back and apologized to a lot of people, I started changing the way I viewed and went about criticzing art (which ironically enough, was the same way I used to view art when younger), and this also allowed me to better understand the flaws with my works and myself, because the moment I stopped viewing the things I made as superior, it was the point where I noticed that I still had a lot to learn and improve, and this also got me into asking a lot of people around for help with my art, and some long-running friendships even started because of that, and I specially wanted to change how negative I used to be. Instead of going around trying to complain about everything, I started to complain when there was any point to complain/if it would solve anything, or just dismiss things entirely, because they were not worth the headache. Instead of going around trying to pick what I don't like about art, I instead started to think about why these things connected with me so much. Why do I like this? What makes it click? How was this achieved? And this even allowed me to start some genuinely pretty good friendships aswell. At times I'd go "Hey, this is nice, how did you do this?" on someone's piece, and they'd respond to it, and at points, we even started chatting directly, and I still talk to some of these people to this day. And seeing how much my life improved with this mentality, it just solidified I never wanted to go back to how I used to behave back in the day, and to this day, I continue like this. There is still a lot of work to do, and there is always room for improvement, but I'd say I've done pretty good thus far.

I've even befriended some people that I never expected to befriend to begin with, one of my best friends being someone that used to dislike me, and even thought I was "insufferable". And now she's one of the best friends I could ask for, and she even went as far as to say that "she's proud of my growth", and considering she's one of the main people I always looked up to when it comes to morality and in general just being a good person, this means everything to me.

You know who you are. Thanks a lot. And specially thank you for the godly amount of patience you always had with me. Godspeed.

Moving back to my old hometown and leaving my old family behind was also one of the biggest factors in all of this change. Living on my old broken down house with a bunch of people that drove me insane on a daily basis was one of the biggest factors to all that hate I've harbored, and once I moved out, and started living with people that liked me, treated me well, and actively interacted with me, a lot of my old, bad habits that I've develop in there are now mostly gone. I still have certain things in need of change, but I'll work on that in due time.

This journey wasn't a straight one, or even one with pure ups. There were some real bad downs too.

I think one of the hardest things to do in recent years was learning to let go, and specially to just trust myself and my gut feeling before just going with the easiest conclusion because you're too scared of stepping on anyone's toes.

Being too desperate to keep certain people around, I'd usually take more than I'd usually allow just for the sake of not starting anything, and this lead me to getting hurt a lot, because I thought that "maybe if I endure this hard enough, there will be some sort of change", when the change would never come, because they never believed they did me any wrong, and I would never tell them in fear of pushing them away aswell.

But at one point, I got tired of being a people's pleaser.

I started to actually to set boundaries, put my foot down and go "That's enough.". I stopped going after people, and just started minding my own business and doing my own thing, and I even started to step away on my own if I saw that the relation wasn't going to end up well.

And some people hated that.

I saw a lot of people stopped talking to me, and one of them, being someone I used to LOVE back in the day.

They went their way, and I stayed on mine. That hurt a ton, and it still hurts me to this day, but I'd rather not spend my life chasing and begging for someone to stay, specially when I've already done that countless times before.

But that wasn't all bad. My circles are now pretty small and tight. Just the way I like it.

I don't talk to many people, but the few I do, are some of the best friends I could ask for, and I don't need anything more than that to be doing well in life. I still miss a lot of these old friends, and a part of me still hopes that one day they'll actually reach me out, and we could work things out again, but at one point, you just gotta accept that certain cases are lost causes.

But I'm glad to have gone through everything I did. From the goods, and bads.

Every experience in life is valid, and everything builds up to something else, and I'm very thankful for that.

At one point I used to think my life was over, and that I could never really redeem myself

But as long as we're alive, there's always time to rebuild. It's never too late to change.

I'm thankful for everyone who's gone, and everyone who's stayed

I'm thankful for the good times, and for the bad times too

I'm thankful for everything, really.

Here's to 24 years. And here's to 24 more.

Thank you, and godspeed.

This section is going to be a little briefer than the previous one, but to make a long story short, I've been focusing on my real life and real family, and I've been working on things on the background, specially when it comes to my art.

I've been doing a daily sketch once a day, just to do something, and I've been having fun doing art again, even if I never post anything, and I want to improve my art further, and start making things more dynamic, and even though I'm having trouble figuring things out and where to go now, I'm still having fun doing it, and thats all that matters.

And you probably thought I forgot about RootPain.com

But RootPain.com never left me.

I still think about my website on a daily basis, and I do plan to go back to working on it eventually, but lately, I've grown a certain disdain over HTML and how flimsy it is, and how some things refuse to work despite how much I try to make it work (Example: Pixel fonts on modern browsers are fucking dogshit and they refuse to work despite how much I try to make it work) and I've shifted my focus on my art so I can actually start making my own assets for a future game I have planned. But I've always thought about RootPain.com, and it never really left me. I still re-read old messages and emails inquiring me about the website, if I'm ever going to update it again, and if I'll ever do anything with it, and I really do still love the idea of my website, and these messages always come back to me, and I'm always grateful for receiving them. But as of now, I don't think going back to the website is the right call. I need to refine my works further, and plan things better. Then I can start making everything work like I've planned. But RootPain.com will live, and you can count on that.

But I've been around, and I've been doing well, and that's all that matters as of now.

We go on. The struggle continues.

I'm already in my 24s, and I really need to think about what I want for my future and for myself, and as of now, I plan to make the best out of it. Work and improve as much as I can, and enjoy the time I have in here. There's still a ton of things I want to do, a lot of places I want to be, and a ton of people I want to meet, and I plan to achieve that in the near future.

I'll keep on trying.

At the end of the day, it's like I always say; "Trying is everything anyone could ask for."

I'd like to write more, but I already went for long enough as of now, so for now, that's it.

Remember; you either love the ROOT, or you hate the PAIN. No in-between.

Godspeed.

"Nothing worthwhile is ever easy."